I’ve learned a new test of living up to the encouraging comments I’ve written, in this blog. Those comments are ideas I strongly believe in like:

• I want to think more about living than dying.
• I just want to stay me.
• Dignity & manners matter.
• When you’re going through hell, keep going.

The new test I’ve learned is applying those ideas on a moment’s notice, in ordinary conversations. About an hour ago, I passed my manager by the elevator, as I walked into work. Not surprisingly, I’d been thinking about my health stuff before seeing her. She cheerfully asked how I was doing. Normally, my reply would be something like, “Pretty good.” This morning, I quickly replied, “I’ve had better days.”

It felt awkward. I picked up the conversation after that, but I’m also realizing that ordinary conversation might be a bit tricky for a while, since my thoughts are less ordinary than they were a few days ago. I’ve always been forthright. It usually hasn’t bothered me to say what’s on my mind as long as I tried keeping my manners, which hasn’t always worked. But this time, and for a while, I want to adjust how I act, especially at work. I’m going to try and be less forthright.

Of course, I also don’t want to be overly cheerful or negative. I probably just need some time to have ordinary conversations again, to learn how to have them without feeling awkward. One way I do that is to be a bit more quiet. As Lincoln said, “Only speak when you can improve the silence.”

This morning is the first time that I’ve had ordinary conversations again because I had many wonderful conversations this past weekend, with family, friends, and my girlfriend. Even better, we stayed at a resort that my sister and her husband own. It was the perfect respite. I didn’t have to worry about what to say. Sometimes, my comments were more dramatic than I like, but it was the right place to have them. Now that I’m back in the world of work, I need to learn how to hold the emotions back a bit.

I gave my manager a health update a moment ago, in her office. Before telling her, I wrote down what I hoped to say.

Well, it wasn’t what we hoped. In the past, I’ve shared most what I knew very soon. I’m feeling kind of quiet right now.

I don’t have anything to share that involves my work performance, but I suspect I’ll be working full time. I’ll learn more in the next week or two. I’ll give the rest of our group the same message.

I may request some vacation days this week and at the end of October. I’ll continue to share any details that will affect my work, and as usual, I’ll probably share more, just not yet. Is that okay?

I didn’t come out as smooth as I hoped, but it went ok. I also mentioned that I may be a little forgetful, or more forgetful, for a few days. In that case, I asked her to help me if I overlook important details.

The wise statements at the start of this note are still good, but they now look like a goal to work toward than ideas that can be quickly applied. I still need to have sad moments, but I’m going to try spending more time thinking about those wise statements, on my way to work and during other times.