Many moments become more intense with this cancer stuff. The lows are deeper and more disappointing than ever. This is it. This is the problem with the highest stakes. It’s pulled me down for long moments, even when I’m on my bike.

But I’ve also found ways to get back up, which leads to appreciating the highs more. Getting back up involves a phrase so old that it wanders into our ears without notice, like clichés usually do. But this phrase has pulled me up when I was really down. The phrase is carpe diem. It has new meaning now.

Two days ago, I started feeling real effects from the phrase when Ruth and I joined a bike tour in Louisiana, starting on October 14. It’s organized by Adventure Cycling. Their staff provide a wonderful route with Cajun food, a music festival, and best of all, a group of cyclists who have a similar spirit. They also provide an experienced tour leader and many documents describing what to expect, what to bring, and more.

The excitement of choosing this trip made my hard moments quickly fade, until yesterday. I saw the report describing the special scan I had from the Mayo.

September 20, 2017: Choline PET-CT showed Prostate cancer. Interval increase in the size and intensity of previously seen subcentimeter tracer avid lymph nodes. There are multiple subcentimeter tracer avid lymph nodes in the pelvis (right internal iliac), right common iliac, and retroperitoneum (aortocaval), which are consistent with tracer-avid metastatic disease. There is a intensely tracer avid aortocaval lymph node.

We are now treating all the bits above, but the last statement is where my cancer changed, from curable to worse. Spreading to the aortocaval lymph node means it spread out of my pelvis, into my abdomen, and moved faster than expected. That last statement is also what brought me back down yesterday. Of course, being down doesn’t mean that I’m moping around and not getting things done. It’s more like the song Tracks of My Tears, by Smokey Robinson.

Take a good look at my face. You’ll see my smile looks out of place. If you look closely, it’s easy to trace, the tracks of my tears.

But then, carpe diem came back. Today, I realized that Ruth and I can spend a weekend in New Orleans after our bike tour. It was exciting to tell her and to get her fun response. That picked me up again, made focus on living again, more intensely than before. It also led to this blog post.

After writing it, my grasp of the obvious has improved, again. It takes some time to get used to this new way of living, to figure out how to deal with tougher moments. Planning the trip to Louisiana and New Orleans helps a bunch because the prep takes a lot of time. During that time, I’m not sad about my health. I’m excited about what’s next.

Now, I’m starting to think about what plans I’ll have after the trip. They’ll probably involve some time writing, since it’s been a long time since I’ve worked on my next book.

In addition to better moments, this carpe diem stuff will also help me live longer. One of my oncologists made that clear. She said there is scientific evidence that being engaged and excited with life has led to more years of life for people with cancer, and probably the rest.

If you’re in either group, I’ll mention that seizing the moment doesn’t, and shouldn’t, cost much. The bike trip that we’re going on gives the option to stay in hotels, but campgrounds are built into the price, which is $1,000. Airfare and bike shipping are extra, but it’s still a bargain.

Of course, my favorite trips involve cycling, and Adventure Cycling lists several trips each month, including single overnight trips. Many of these trips are made for beginners. Every county, state, and country also has groups that coordinate low-cost, high-fulfillment trips. In Minnesota, I’ve enjoyed being part of the Minnesota Rovers, getting event announcements from the State, and joining groups from Meetup.com.

Back to my current situation, I still expect intense down moments, but it feels uniquely satisfying to have found some ways to respond to them.